BEHOLD: 7 YEARS OF VENGEANCE RANT (brought to you by FOSS, technology, and, most importantly, LOSSA WHISKEY):
First of all, Lennart is totally correct: FOSS (in STUNNING fucking PARITY to meatspace/RL/most work environments/blind dates and online multiplayer-gaming) is, in fact, FILLED with assholes. So many assholes, in fact, that the cumalitive mileage of intestinal tract attached to such orifices that, if wrapped around the SUN (as if it were a ball of twine), the solar system’s greatest source of power, heat and love would die a horrific, ass-ified, smoldering, withering, (and highly-scientific) death. This is true. Trust me: I know us, and - if there’s one thing I can say with 99 percent certainty - is that, yes: we are them. WE are us (just as we are them, and he is me and we are all together… but I digress…)….
As any: (1)developer of any FOSS project that picks up a following; (2)sysadmin for any medium-to-large network; (3)owner or operator of any major game server attracting thousands of users; (4)drop-in replacement dev contractor working with a deadline of zero seconds to get someone else’s indecipherable shitstorm into something vaguely resembling a working application; etc. … as anyone in *any* of these positions will tell you: BEING THE PERSON WHO DOES THINGS (or is ultimately RESPONSIBLE for HAVING THINGS DONE) has a motherfucker of a hard job.
Not only is the actual “doing” of “the things” inherently fucking difficult, it is made all the worse by the catterwalling, unending, user-space-driven (forgive my prejudice, but, on a personal note, allow me to add: end-users of the world: I hate you), insane, inane, inflammatory, assholistic, ungrateful, unproductive, hellaciously noxious and (did I mention “ungrateful?”) rage-fury-mixed-with-sweet, sweet Bush-administration-caliber incomprehensible pre-Enlightenment anti-logic “FUCK U FIX IT U FAGGOT” style reasoning (& erudite and sophisticated social) skills.
Having to manage ANY KIND OF PROJECT of ANY DEGREE of complexity that makes it worthy of undertaking it as a project (be it for personal aquisiton of treasure, getting your ego stroked/having recognition of your peers for intellectual achievement, or even for the advancement of FOSS from a purely idealogical perspective) is hard. If it weren’t hard, someone else would be doing it instead of you; if it were easy, you’d be able to pay/train/kidnap/indoctrinate/culture/grow/or email someone else to do it for you. But you can’t. Why? Because it’s fucking hard. And - more often than not - is not merely superficially difficult from a technical standpoint, it is likely CONCEPTUALLY fucking hard; we’re not talking mere syntax here, we’re talking DESIGN, and DESIGN with LARGE SCOPE… we’re talking about (why people like those who may have read this far will almost assuredly enjoy gainful employment uyntil the invention of artificial general intelligence) actual, honest-to-goodness, Neolithic-hominid-style, old-skool PROBLEM SOLVING. The central problem of which is, of course, figuring out the dimensions of the problem (creating and improving logical artifice and scaffolding necessary to support possible approaches to nailing it down in finite, concrete, and clear terms, all the while, keeping your eye on the big picture of the overall project… WHY? Because, until you pull the problem out of the fucking ether and into the real and quantifiable, then there is no solution. And the problem contains the solution. So figuring out the problem is the first step towards the solution.
It takes mastery (and much whiskey, and many insane whiskey-fueled rants such as this) to be able to see the dimensions of complex problems. It is a learned skill, but one which is hard-earned, and is very very very difficult to scale against the degrees and varieties of technical complexity that ultimately must go into actuallysolving the problem after it’s found… It’s a motherfucker. So things are hard. Otherwise you’d have delegated this to someone else.
BUT, let’s get back to my main point….
SO… things are fucking hard. And the world is full of assholes.
It is hard enough to do hard things for people who look at you like a fucking trick goddamned pony; like a fucking music box was looked at in the 19th Century; like a thing designed to render his magic, make it work, leave the crowd in a brief, extatic moment of awe as the impossible happens in front of them, and is then instantly erased as what was once impossible becomes instantly commonplace to the average user (once again, to all end-users: may you all learn how to do anything at any time or follow any instruction or guideline or listen or not… anyway… I heart you, end user, my nemesis…)… Once this happens, you are, once again, ENTIRELY SUPERFLUOUS TO THE ENTIRE THOUGHT-SPHERE of these people… just like a magician who reveals the mechanic which so ellegantly serves as the subtle, magnificent launchpad from which his illusion enables the impossible to happen before your eyes, once the functionality (or - for those cunning guttersnipe motherfuckers who are so desperate to make either a name or treasure for themselves, regardless of whomever they must rip off) or the actual method behind said functionality is revealed, you not only get to enjoy the EXACT STATUS OF NEVER HAVING DONE ANYTHING, you also get the added bonus of being forced to watch everyone ENJOY the fruits of yer labor WHILE they simultaneously deride and assault you as if you were just another piece of the giant a-hole-string currently strangling the sun.
No matter what you do, how hard you work, how fast you work, how much you care, how much you pretend to NOT care (and all other varieties of self-dellusion/self-abasement/self-sacrifice/self-destruction/self-stuff, etc.), this becomes FUCKING GRATING. Not only is what you’ve already done NOTHING, not only is there no argument you can make (against the idiotic, ranting, writhing, hellish-but-not-in-a-sexy-way mono-mob of - hi! - end-users), this is EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE *BEFORE* you fashioned your magical solutions to the idiotic, drooling, zombie-miopic-throng… magic that (if yer a dev or even a well-trafficked-multiplayer-server-owner) probably took hundreds of hours of your life.
As if to prove that synchronicity is in fact the only unifying force in a totally absurdly improbable and irrational reality, in the midst of torturing my old friend Frank (two fisted journalist, drinking companion, good friend, fine fellow, good standing, etc.) via twitter about matters journalistic, this happened to arrive in my inbox.
(Although it was -holy fucking christ) TEN YEARS ago that Frank and I set out to cover our first E3, he may still recall that one of my personal, tertiary objectives while there was to hunt down JoWood games… makers of what I can only describe as truly *phenomenal,* nonsensical, dreck - such that I could confront the deranged, delluded, and desperate PR/marketeers attempting to eek out a misbegotten, shellshocked, child-in-trauma-style micro-corner of an existence in the then hellaciously industrialized software publishing sequel-i-tronized software entertainment dev and pub industry…
How fitting that, amidst this morning’s boozy ravings in support of Mr. Frank that, for the first time in well over 5 years, this email should appear, as if a quiet, earnest, snarky admonition against hoping for “good” or “better” things like “ideals,” “sanity,” and “rational sense of purpose in the face of the unrelenting and inescapable forces of life-sucking doom and entropy”… Synchronicity! Cheers!
Here’s the email:
October 2nd 2014If this newsletter is not displayed correctly,
please click here.
Nordic Games congratulates Yetisports to its 10th birthday
At this point, we would like to present you with the press release of our dear partners Root9:
Yetisports celebrates its 10th birthday
Vienna, AUSTRIA, October 10 2014; Oh blimey, how time flies. It flies like a penguin, gently threshed by the Yeti’s bat into the Arctic tundra. Yetisports is celebrating its 10th birthday and gamers are getting the presents they deserve.
Austria-Based developer Root9 has remastered the original games. Apart from HD - graphics and new modelled characters, major emphasis has been put on improving the gameplay and the “easy to learn, difficult to master”- component of the line-up. As of October 10th at 12 noon CET, the remastered versions of Yetisports 1 – 3 can be played for free, only on www.yetisports.org. And this is just the beginning: New Yetisports content will be released in regular periods of time!
All games will also come to iOS and Android, Windows 8, Windows Phone and Blackberry in due time.
Starting line-up as of October 10th:
Yetisports Pengu Throw
Teach the penguin how to fly with the aid of a baseball bat, just like in the good old days, but with prettier graphics and more depth in terms of gameplay. There are now different modes:
„easy“ closely resembles the gameplay from the 2004-original, there is also a
„pro“-mode that lets gamers not only control the gentle batting by Yeti, but also the penguin itself whilst airborne.
Yetisports Orca Slap
Team up with an Orca to fling entire penguin colonies onto a massive, Arctic Dart board. Rumour has it, that more than 1.300 is a pretty decent high score.
Throw the penguin high up in the air. Use the cliffs of an iceberg to make it bounce.
With the help of some nice seals, it may fly even higher and longer!
No penguins where harmed during the production of these games.
Information for media outlets:
Play the games here: www.yetisports.org
High-res artworks for media: www.yetisports.org/press
Contact us: email@example.com
END OF MESSAGE
Philipp Brock, PR Nordic Games
Tel.: +43(0)664 88737 207
Notes to the editors:
Yetisports is a global phenomenon that started out as a free web game in Oktober 2004. More games followed. To this day, there have been 2.5 million downloads of Yetisports on iTunes alone.
About Root9 MediaLab
ROOT9 Medialab is an Austrian multimedia company specialized in the development of internet and mobile solutions. Yetisports is the most successful game series of ROOT9. After 10 years, the web-version is still played by 100.000 gamers on any given day. Among the international customers of ROOT9 MediaLab are 20th Century Fox, Ikea International, MTV Networks USA, and Pro7.de.
Nordic Games GmbH | Landstraßer Hauptstraße 1/Top 18 | A-1030 Wien
Tel: +43 (0)1 236 54 87-0 | Fax: +43 1253 30 33 9960 | firstname.lastname@example.org
GOTTA TELL YOU… So this girl on twitter tweets about how she loves the ride “it’s a small world” at Disneyland as an embodiment of a hopeful future that she longed for as a child and still harbors hopes of as an adult. And her boyfriend can’t wait for the ride to end. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A RIDE TO END? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WAIT IN LINE? YOU KNOW ITS GOI G TO BE A SMALL WORLD (“after all”) ROGHT!? What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOH WAIT ONLINE TO GET ON A RIDE YOU ALREADY THINK IS TOO LONG? Oh wait… YOURE ALREADY FUCKING DEAD, right!?!
Tell me I’m nuts.
BUT WHO DOEs THAT?!
WOUOD YOU RATHER HAVE SOENT THE TIME YOU SPENT ON THE RIDE *WAITING* IN LINE TO GET ON THE RIDE THAT YOU ALREADY HATE AND THINK IS TOO LONG!??
Jesus… These are for-real 30-something grown-ass MOTHERFUCCKING people here… They’re making me feel like I make this shit look good. QND THATS FUCKING SCARY…
Luckily, I’m probably just psycho. BUT COME ON, FOR FUCKS SAKE… YOURE A GROWN ASS MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN BEING WITB A HOT SMART GIRLFRIEND AND YOURE AT DISNEYLAND AND YOU STILL CANT SEE THE UPSIDE OF GOING ON A GODDAMNED RIDE!? REALLY!? FUCK.
Happiest place on earth…
Evidently, it is as they say: a world of tears… Jesus. Makes me want to smash shit.
Sent from my iPhone